To Be Grateful

The holidays are not always the easiest times of the year.

This year, it’s especially hard for me.

While everyone is going places, preparing meals and gathering with loved ones, I sit here and wonder what it would be like to be a part of that world again.

While I believe that I will be able to walk out of the facility I am in whole again, it’s times like these that make me scared and sad.

Will I ever be able to eat again normally?

Will I ever be able to be in public again?

Will I be able to walk on the shores of my favorite beaches again?

Is there going to be a time when I can use soap on my hands without going into anaphalaxis?

My dreams are all about the freedoms in my past: the ability and agility to hop on an airplane, or drive to a place that had my favorite ice cream. Seeing people I loved and being able to sleep at night without waking up with a myriad of symptoms.

Yet a friend who was feeling down recently reminded me, faith is the cornerstone of all success.

I believe that everything is in the supernatural, not the natural.

Life is a giant blessings, mystery and the universe speaks only in secrets. To find those, one must devote a lifetime of being still, and knowing.

I am so afraid sometimes, of not getting better and I remember that Jesus taught us to fear not. So I press on.

I am so scared sometimes of what if I do get better, but I cannot function at the level or capacity that I once used to. What if I cannot support myself? What if no one will hire me? What if I cannot start a business because surely I am not that able to spend all my energy running a business. Even once simple tasks now present complex scenarios for me now.

And then I remember that those who endure until the end shall be saved.

I think alot about all the countless hours I spent helping other people in life. And that is the only gift I can rejoice in while facing such adversities. The voice inside of me always says: it could have been much worse. Stay His course.

My only desire it to keep helping others, and my only prayers to God to heal me is that so I that may continue His work, not mine.

So many people are lost, afraid to admit who their real Father is. I pray for them to find Him. I pray for the world to return to the source of Creation that gave them life.

Without a parent, a child is lost and helpless. And that is why we are seeing so much grief, so much confusion, hatred and selfishness in this realm.

Two months ago, around this time, everything was somehwat normal in my life. I was able to cook, clean and take care of myself. Almost overnight (though not totally), God took away my ability to help not just others, but myself. He made me dependent on all of you, people I know and don’t know, to help me heal. Many of you have donated and helped pay for my medical treatment. I have gained about 20 lbs because of your help. If I showed you my photos from October 9, you wouldn’t sleep well tonight. I was dying without you. I still have a ways to go.

I have what is known as mastocytosis. This is just one of the disabilities I face at the moment. There are other issues I am not willing discuss publicly online.

The good news is, I can work from home once I am released to do so. But who is going to hire me? I became unhirable when I started posting the truth. My skills were nullified by other’s belief patterns. If you don’t agree with them, if you don’t want a she/shim on your work signature, you are essentially an outcast.

When is this going to change?

Is it ever?

Thoughts that have been plaguing my soul since I have had so much time to think being incapacitated in so many ways that I am not used to.

I don’t own anything anymore. I barely have any clothes but they are enough. I don’t really want anything material anymore. All I want is to be well again. Given my other complications, many medical opinions have told me that I there is no cure for me, and to live my life.

I had heard those words before in 2006. I refused to accept what I was being told. I refuse to accept it now.

I owe my life first and foremost to God Almighty. If you are reading this blog and you are not a believer, I urge you to consider Him before you or a family member or loved one are faced with such a devastating diagnosis. It will happen one day, we don’t live forever. God is the first and foremost physician.

Next, I owe my life to all of you. Without your continued support, there is no way I would be writing this right now.

If there is anyone out there reading this who needs my help in the near future, I am looking forward to working remotely. I have to. I have to pray that God will answer my prayer to make me self-sufficient again.

Losing everything has not been easy. But gaining my life has been the biggest blessing this Thanksgiving season. I had at one time tattooed the word faith on my left arm so I would see it all the time and remember that faith is the way we walk in times where nothing is in our immediate control.

If you are experiencing any feelings of loneliness, despair or just malaise this Thanksgiving, you are not alone. Many who have lost loved ones and have to stare at an empty seat at the dining table don’t have it any easier.

In addition, much of what we were promised has still not yet happened. We have all been living with truths that others may or may never know. Many of us are wondering what will come in the next years.

Sometimes, I wonder why I am still here, why I didn’t die during those three recent very terrifying ER visits (all of which gave me the wrong diagnosis). I came super close. And I came even closer when I lost 35 pounds in a matter of weeks after all that. I watched myself die every day in the mirror and asked God to please let me live so I could see the ending to this long movie, so that I could keep telling the truth and helping people.

I cry so much when I write these articles because I am moved by the people who have reached out to me, not forgotten me. I know I am supposed to be here. I know you are too. Thank you for loving me, for helping me be here with you. I am going to get better (I pray) one day so I can help you all again. I no longer have any podcast equipment or even a computer (I write these on an old iPad that I am so grateful to have). I am also grateful to God for showing me who my true friends and supporters are.

I will write more after this weekend. I am trying to stay positive. I have to. We all do.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

God bless you all.

My thanks giving is my gratitude to all of you forever.

I love you.

Dilara

Here is my Go Fund Me link if you can help and share:

https://gofund.me/0914d2f2

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